My body is my own.
It's all I actually have.
I can feel it..I know its there..and it can never be taken from me.
You have taken everything from me..and now I don't want to give you all I have left.
Please don't look at me, touch me, or even think of me.
I dread the day I have to give my body to you..I am not excited and I don't look forward to it.
And again you have taken that from me.
You have taken away the one night I have dreaming about for years, all gone..almost instantly.
There is nothing you haven't destroyed...you haven't taken...you haven't killed.
And now only by command I must give up the last thing you haven't taken or robed from me.
How I fear that night...the emotions...the thoughts of your other love...yourself.
Only with my eyes shut tight and my mind lost in my fantasy (as you have enjoyed yours)...I will give you all I have left for you to destroy.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
I can't help but to wonder..
Sometimes I wonder which one I hate more...
you....
or your fantasy world.
I will never be a part of it..will I? I will never be included..always separated and always me...
Who is never enough for you.
you....
or your fantasy world.
I will never be a part of it..will I? I will never be included..always separated and always me...
Who is never enough for you.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Call me whenever...and I'll come running
Penned this one last
because it was the hardest
Yet it meant the most to me at the same time
Feelings are tough to explain
when what i feel is bigger than
any word that i can find
So i wrote you this song
To tell you i love you
But I know that thats much less than you deserve
It's all so much less
Then these feelings i'm feeling
I hope my actions speak louder than words
Call me whenever, and i will come running
I'm ready and waiting for ever for you
I'll give you my whole heart
To hold as your keepsake
If you should ever need proof
because it was the hardest
Yet it meant the most to me at the same time
Feelings are tough to explain
when what i feel is bigger than
any word that i can find
So i wrote you this song
To tell you i love you
But I know that thats much less than you deserve
It's all so much less
Then these feelings i'm feeling
I hope my actions speak louder than words
Call me whenever, and i will come running
I'm ready and waiting for ever for you
I'll give you my whole heart
To hold as your keepsake
If you should ever need proof
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
I wish...
I sometimes think I would love to be another person. And I know this isn't right or even good for me...but I'm just being honest.
I wish I could forget about all the pain people have caused me.
I wish I could instantly replace people...I wish I could forget about you for one second, and put someone in your place...
That I could fantasise...that I could dream...that I could want...someone else.
I wish I could turn my back on you.
I sometimes even wish that I could cause you the same amount of pain that you have caused me.
I just wish I was different...maybe I wouldn't even be in this position and if I were just not me.
But I'm not...I'm just me. And as much as I sometimes like to wish that I were someone else...I know why I am the way I am. But don't get me wrong how I would love to throw putirty...intergirty..and loyalty out the window. So even though I know I can never actually do that...I like to at least wish sometimes..
I wish I could forget about all the pain people have caused me.
I wish I could instantly replace people...I wish I could forget about you for one second, and put someone in your place...
That I could fantasise...that I could dream...that I could want...someone else.
I wish I could turn my back on you.
I sometimes even wish that I could cause you the same amount of pain that you have caused me.
I just wish I was different...maybe I wouldn't even be in this position and if I were just not me.
But I'm not...I'm just me. And as much as I sometimes like to wish that I were someone else...I know why I am the way I am. But don't get me wrong how I would love to throw putirty...intergirty..and loyalty out the window. So even though I know I can never actually do that...I like to at least wish sometimes..
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Fantasy -vs- Reality
In my dream I live. I live the life I always wanted. I wake up to sunshine and I believe my truth. Everything I do in this land is based on my truths.
I am strong.
I am Godly.
I am beautiful.
I am enough.
I am great.
"My" reality is freeing...its beautiful. I spend my days lingering in the essence of my truths. I spend my nights waiting to wake up to my mind...and the things I believe. Life is sweet and protected. I thought my reality...which in turn is really my fantasy was enough to keep me going.
But then you hear the words...that made you run to your fantasy land in the first place. And for some reason everything you had convinced yourself of you now know is just "your world..and not real at all". Because in the real reality...you are not strong...you are not beautiful...and you will never be enough. You will always be a trigger and held to a very scary position. You will always get hurt...Each time you hear the words..each time you feel the emotions...and every time a piece of your heart falls. And you have to step back and renter your fantasy world. Where you only exist...but you never have to experience "that" again.
So..fantasy or reality. A world of fantasy that you are completely in control of. That you decide what you experience...and turn your back to the pain. Or reality...where you pray each day that this is the day where you become numb and never have to feel this again...where the unexpected happens...where pain can exist.
Two worlds but one life. Fantasy or reality?
I am strong.
I am Godly.
I am beautiful.
I am enough.
I am great.
"My" reality is freeing...its beautiful. I spend my days lingering in the essence of my truths. I spend my nights waiting to wake up to my mind...and the things I believe. Life is sweet and protected. I thought my reality...which in turn is really my fantasy was enough to keep me going.
But then you hear the words...that made you run to your fantasy land in the first place. And for some reason everything you had convinced yourself of you now know is just "your world..and not real at all". Because in the real reality...you are not strong...you are not beautiful...and you will never be enough. You will always be a trigger and held to a very scary position. You will always get hurt...Each time you hear the words..each time you feel the emotions...and every time a piece of your heart falls. And you have to step back and renter your fantasy world. Where you only exist...but you never have to experience "that" again.
So..fantasy or reality. A world of fantasy that you are completely in control of. That you decide what you experience...and turn your back to the pain. Or reality...where you pray each day that this is the day where you become numb and never have to feel this again...where the unexpected happens...where pain can exist.
Two worlds but one life. Fantasy or reality?
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Regrets..what's the point??
These days my thoughts aren't very intense or even super emotional. And I really appreciate that. I am enjoying this current stage of myself without all the questions. Which is why I came to Alabama in the first place, to release anxiety..to walk into a new experience..and to just be again.
When I was 16 years old a good friend of mine who I had grown up with, died of a drug overdose. This was one of the most confusing days of my life. I didn't understand the reality of what just happened. I had just become a new believer and I thought my life was about to become perfect. Everything was going to fall into place...life was going to be nothing but pure bliss.
So when he unexpectedly died...I was shook to my very core. Up until this point I had never experienced such pain and heartbreak. I didn't even think this kind of pain existed. But the hardest part for me to swallow, was the fact that I never shared my new found joy with him. Not only was I going through grief for my friend..but I was so disappointed in myself. Like I was worth nothing,because I was a coward, because I feared his reaction. Even to this day, I get down on myself for how it all went down.
On the day of his funeral I swore to myself that I would live a life of no regrets. That I would fight for all that I believed in...that I would say the things my heart felt, beyond people's reactions...that I would always choose love...and that I would always be true to myself.
Living a life with no regrets is not easy. Its extremely vulnerable, lonely, and sometimes hurtful. But the beauty and joy that you experience when at the end of the day..you know without a shadow of a doubt that you did all that you could...that feeling..that experience is priceless. That's exactly what I'm experience right now. As I am about to leave Alabama in just a few weeks, I ask myself did I do everything I know how to do? Did I allow God to reign over my situation...was I true to my words and beliefs?
And to be able to answer "YES"...there is no feeling like this. There is not a greater reward. For God to confirm that you stood in the mist of opposition when you feared getting hurt..that I made myself so authentic and so open...
And for God to reach down and say to me.."You are good..and faithful. And your love has no limits...you love with everything in you..Just how I love"
WOW!! It's bitter sweet. Because even though you do all you can do, it still has another side to it. You can hope and want others to respond like you or actually better..but you have to be able to do it without expecting specific reactions. I live my life with no regrets..because at the end of the day I don't want acceptance from you...from him...from her..from anyone...I want God to reward me. I want God to look at me and be proud of me...I want to be faithful to what he says.
You have to be prepared for all the obstacles...for all the different reactions...and for the loneliness...
And as hard as it definitely is right now...I am proud. I am stronger than ever. More beautiful than ever. And closer to God than I have ever been.
So today like everyday I choose to love..I choose God..and I choose a life that I can be proud of...with absolutely no regrets.
When I was 16 years old a good friend of mine who I had grown up with, died of a drug overdose. This was one of the most confusing days of my life. I didn't understand the reality of what just happened. I had just become a new believer and I thought my life was about to become perfect. Everything was going to fall into place...life was going to be nothing but pure bliss.
So when he unexpectedly died...I was shook to my very core. Up until this point I had never experienced such pain and heartbreak. I didn't even think this kind of pain existed. But the hardest part for me to swallow, was the fact that I never shared my new found joy with him. Not only was I going through grief for my friend..but I was so disappointed in myself. Like I was worth nothing,because I was a coward, because I feared his reaction. Even to this day, I get down on myself for how it all went down.
On the day of his funeral I swore to myself that I would live a life of no regrets. That I would fight for all that I believed in...that I would say the things my heart felt, beyond people's reactions...that I would always choose love...and that I would always be true to myself.
Living a life with no regrets is not easy. Its extremely vulnerable, lonely, and sometimes hurtful. But the beauty and joy that you experience when at the end of the day..you know without a shadow of a doubt that you did all that you could...that feeling..that experience is priceless. That's exactly what I'm experience right now. As I am about to leave Alabama in just a few weeks, I ask myself did I do everything I know how to do? Did I allow God to reign over my situation...was I true to my words and beliefs?
And to be able to answer "YES"...there is no feeling like this. There is not a greater reward. For God to confirm that you stood in the mist of opposition when you feared getting hurt..that I made myself so authentic and so open...
And for God to reach down and say to me.."You are good..and faithful. And your love has no limits...you love with everything in you..Just how I love"
WOW!! It's bitter sweet. Because even though you do all you can do, it still has another side to it. You can hope and want others to respond like you or actually better..but you have to be able to do it without expecting specific reactions. I live my life with no regrets..because at the end of the day I don't want acceptance from you...from him...from her..from anyone...I want God to reward me. I want God to look at me and be proud of me...I want to be faithful to what he says.
You have to be prepared for all the obstacles...for all the different reactions...and for the loneliness...
And as hard as it definitely is right now...I am proud. I am stronger than ever. More beautiful than ever. And closer to God than I have ever been.
So today like everyday I choose to love..I choose God..and I choose a life that I can be proud of...with absolutely no regrets.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
My Random Thoughts...
This is what is going through my mind lately..it doesn't have a purpose or even make sense. My mind is every where these days...
1. I really really believe Alabama will kick Florida's butt in SEC Championship
2. No matter how lost I am, God is always right next to me through it all.
3. I can not function without coffee. It's actually really sad.
4. My heart has been broken twice in the last month, that doesn't excite me for the future.
5. My sister is my world, and I adore her. We may not always get along or agree, but I would do anything for her.
6. Music leads me to the most unknown place in my spirit. It guides me to my emotions, and eventually to myself.
7. Will the church ever be a place that everyone will call home?
8. I feel so protected and safe in Alabama. Like I'm invisible and nothing can touch me.
9. I am way more of an introvert than I thought. Spending time by myself is one of my favorites.
10. Anyone has the power to hurt you. Be very cautious who you give your heart to.
11. I want to do one thing every day that scares me.
12. College was the most stable part of my life. It was consistent and beautiful and I should have enjoyed it more.
13. Amanda and Christine are my insides. They are heart. They are everything to me.
14. Thank God for painting and poetry! It is what cultivates my spirit to be honest with yourself.
15. Being the bigger person usually leads to vulnerability and then hurt from another person.
16. I think I have really given up on love. It hurts to say that, but I don't think my heart can take any more, maybe its just not for me.
17. I'm curious to see how our society will change after Obama gets into office.
18. I need more humor in my life. I need to laugh more.
19. I need people in my life. I need my friends, and family; because I can't do this on my own..and I don't even want to try.
20. A beer at the end of the day always makes me feel so much better.
21. I am terrified that I have lost the love of my life.
22. I am always scared that I am out of God's will...and I need to do some serious work on that.
23. I will always be different. I will always fight for justice and love. And that's not really cool all the time..and I have to be okay with that. I have to be okay with not being respected and loved for what I want to do with my life...just love.
24. I miss. I miss all the time. There is always someone or something that I miss.
25. At the end of the day I love myself. I am so thankful that God gave me the desire to fight, to want more, and to live the best I possibly can.
This is life. With all its random thoughts. These are the thoughts that we don't pay attention too..however be careful, because these could be the thoughts that lead you closer to yourself. Keep an eye out for these random thoughts..who knows what great things they could lead to. Think more. Let yourself go there, it could be the most beautiful place you've ever been. Authentic and genuine...You.
1. I really really believe Alabama will kick Florida's butt in SEC Championship
2. No matter how lost I am, God is always right next to me through it all.
3. I can not function without coffee. It's actually really sad.
4. My heart has been broken twice in the last month, that doesn't excite me for the future.
5. My sister is my world, and I adore her. We may not always get along or agree, but I would do anything for her.
6. Music leads me to the most unknown place in my spirit. It guides me to my emotions, and eventually to myself.
7. Will the church ever be a place that everyone will call home?
8. I feel so protected and safe in Alabama. Like I'm invisible and nothing can touch me.
9. I am way more of an introvert than I thought. Spending time by myself is one of my favorites.
10. Anyone has the power to hurt you. Be very cautious who you give your heart to.
11. I want to do one thing every day that scares me.
12. College was the most stable part of my life. It was consistent and beautiful and I should have enjoyed it more.
13. Amanda and Christine are my insides. They are heart. They are everything to me.
14. Thank God for painting and poetry! It is what cultivates my spirit to be honest with yourself.
15. Being the bigger person usually leads to vulnerability and then hurt from another person.
16. I think I have really given up on love. It hurts to say that, but I don't think my heart can take any more, maybe its just not for me.
17. I'm curious to see how our society will change after Obama gets into office.
18. I need more humor in my life. I need to laugh more.
19. I need people in my life. I need my friends, and family; because I can't do this on my own..and I don't even want to try.
20. A beer at the end of the day always makes me feel so much better.
21. I am terrified that I have lost the love of my life.
22. I am always scared that I am out of God's will...and I need to do some serious work on that.
23. I will always be different. I will always fight for justice and love. And that's not really cool all the time..and I have to be okay with that. I have to be okay with not being respected and loved for what I want to do with my life...just love.
24. I miss. I miss all the time. There is always someone or something that I miss.
25. At the end of the day I love myself. I am so thankful that God gave me the desire to fight, to want more, and to live the best I possibly can.
This is life. With all its random thoughts. These are the thoughts that we don't pay attention too..however be careful, because these could be the thoughts that lead you closer to yourself. Keep an eye out for these random thoughts..who knows what great things they could lead to. Think more. Let yourself go there, it could be the most beautiful place you've ever been. Authentic and genuine...You.
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