Friday, March 7, 2008

The Road to Surrender

The Road to Surrender

As the sun went down and the wind calms for the night arose my spirit, full of furry and anger. Angered at self…love… and him.

“God” I screamed “where are you, show your face in my desperation”.

In the midst of my tears and confusion a silent whisper came “I’m here”, I’m always here”.

I replied: “God sit with me, help me. Let me scream my hurt in your presence. Let me show you the anger in my heart that flows out my eyes. Let me cry the tears that no one else wants to see.

“Yes, my daughter”, he replied. “My precious, broken child, I am here”

“God why does my hurt mean nothing in this physical arena…. My words mean nothing… but yet his are taken with hope.
His actions mean nothing…but mine are expected to prove you in my life. I’m expected to forgive as quickly as the sin rolls off his hand.

Crowds follow him with compassion, so much that none is left over for me. Is this pain even real…? I ask myself constantly. Questions...confusion...and pain run thick through my blood. Each day my blood gets darker and darker as I hear his words and remember his replacement of me.

How do you forgive Jesus? I demand you to tell me. How do I let go the pain of a stranger entering in the most intimate….private gathering of our love... while I’m unknowing dreaming in another room. How do I get back the things that have been taken from me? How…do I trust the man full of lies? A man so quick to forget me in his thoughts, and now he demands actions from me.
Tell me…Tell me God! Please Jesus tell me the words I want to hear, not the words of others and not the ones you have commanded. For I do not have the strength…”

Oh…child. Rest. Rest for you are hurting. The words may have come from his mouth, but they are my heart. I am asking you to trust me. To commit to me, and the things I have for you. These things must take place in order to complete your purpose, so I can fully bring you into my presence…my courts. Do not focus your energy and mind on him, and what he says. He was merely an avenue to get the words spoken into your life.
Hear me child, for you are my daughter, and are created for greatness. I say these things to you, because you are strong, because you do have a mighty purpose, that I have given you. Are you questioning the job I have done in creating your purpose?

I respond in shame: No God, never... but I have nothing left to offer you.

With his sweet presence he slowly spoke: “I demand nothing but your commitment, and desire to allow me to be the only God in your life. Breathe in these words I ask you. Let crowds follow him, for you are not seeking that, you are seeking me.
You are hurting, I hear your cries. You feel betrayed, and unloved. My disciple, you are feeling your purpose. What great strength and conviction will you speak of this in the future? Allow me to move in your life without knowing why.
Surrender! Give me the faith to be Lord in your life.

For even though you feel these emotions, know that I am here to take them away and speak truth in your life. Trust me. Do right, and keep your eyes on me.
For I am God and I have spoken.”

“Lord Jesus. My strong father. I don’t trust him I don’t even trust myself. But I trust you. I give my commitments to you… my desires…my heart…my everything. For you never leave me, and always treasure me. I praise you God.
With my eyes closed shut,
I choose to follow you.”

No time was wasted after those last words, that instantly my heart felt the first moment of peace.

With my last breathe of the night, before morning came, I woke to realize my wrestle with God was merely a dream.

A dream so real that I knew to be true.
But most importantly a commitment to him that I knew to be forever…
Enduring all things.