Monday, May 12, 2008

Surprises of the heart

It's scary to know that at any moment your perception of things can be changed or altered.

After hearing a story your opinion of someone can change....

After an argument your point of view can change... a moments notice nothing is concrete (except Jesus of course)

Even when someone steps into or out of your life your view can be shook to its very core

How is that possible? How can you whole heartily believe and know something to be true and by the act of "a simple thing" everything can be changed.
Something so simple as to a scent, a conversation, or even a picture.
These things can fool your mind to believe something that you know in your heart not to be true.
Like love...

How can thoughts appear one day, and I believe one thing, and then the next day when those same thoughts reappear..I conclude a different belief.

That doesn't make sense to me. Are my beliefs so unstable that I allow them to be altered with these "simple acts". Or am I missing something here. Am I missing love...real love. Combined with Truth and all of its beauty.
Have I still not gotten it? Have I still not found it?

Can true love really be shaken, and if it it then true love at all.

Why is the only emotion or concept I can not define... "Love"?
The questions, the fear of missing it...the one thing I've been searching for my whole the one thing I have no answers too.

Why do I have all the questions and no answers?

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Despite you...

Today I see beauty, peace, and happiness despite the injustice of this world.

Today I am excited about my future, my thoughts and my dreams despite my past.

Today I have joy, expressions, and Starbucks despite the misunderstanding others may have of me.

With a passion that others long for, and the love that I crave....

Today I am...


Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Anger...friend or foe?

Anger is such an unusual emotion. Throughout my childhood no one ever discussed this “intolerable inappropriate” feeling called ANGER…1st why didn’t anyone ever tell me about it, and secondly why was it the forbidden emotion.

The odd thing is that these days the only emotion I can actually identify is anger. And to be honest the only emotion I want to feel is anger.

Ironic because society tells us that this very emotion has lead to histories greatest destructions. I think I beg to differ. I am angry. I am hurt and lonely; however I feel empowered and motivated. I’ve had the most creative ideas and thoughts while I have allowed myself to just “sulk” and “be” in this emotional state. Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t encourage everyone to allow themselves to go there, or even to allow themselves to stay there for very long. But I have seemed to find a sense of peace in this chaotic state of mind.

I think sometimes it takes anger or being extremely offended to make a brave change. I am hugely offended and pist off..yet its my most authentic time of change. My thoughts are changing, my actions are changing…I’m changing. I had to get to a point of disgust and pure rage…to FINALLY NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. So maybe my motives are unwise, but as long as great change arises do the motives really matter. Will it take a bad motive today, to motivate powerful change for tomorrow?

I don’t think I have ever been this angry or hurt, but at the same time I don’t think I have had such a huge desire to really at my core, CHANGE! So I have to assume that sometimes the two go hand in hand.

I feel in my spirit there is a unusual up roar, where I have had enough and now “myself” has positioned itself first. Only my emotions matter, only I matter. And as I can see that this may seem as unnecessary selfishness… if you know me at all you would agree it’s actually the opposite. When have I ever positioned myself first, and not worried about other people’s lives and choices. Never, and I know..I was my choice…but today I will not do that. I feel betrayed…and used…and like I've something taken from me. No I am not doing a pity party here, as a victim…what I’m saying is that I made my decisions, no one has twisted my arm..And it's all fine, because you don’t make decisions based on the reaction you want others to make, but now this is my new decision…me. I am taking back what I once gave away too soon. Myself.

I choose me..

Because I'm in charge of my own happiness… And to be honest no one is going to appreciate me, take care of me and …just love me...better than me (and of course Jesus)

So today I'm angry...and I'm okay with that
(at least for today)