Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I wish...

I sometimes think I would love to be another person. And I know this isn't right or even good for me...but I'm just being honest.

I wish I could forget about all the pain people have caused me.
I wish I could instantly replace people...I wish I could forget about you for one second, and put someone in your place...
That I could fantasise...that I could dream...that I could want...someone else.
I wish I could turn my back on you.
I sometimes even wish that I could cause you the same amount of pain that you have caused me.
I just wish I was different...maybe I wouldn't even be in this position and if I were just not me.

But I'm not...I'm just me. And as much as I sometimes like to wish that I were someone else...I know why I am the way I am. But don't get me wrong how I would love to throw putirty...intergirty..and loyalty out the window. So even though I know I can never actually do that...I like to at least wish sometimes..

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Fantasy -vs- Reality

In my dream I live. I live the life I always wanted. I wake up to sunshine and I believe my truth. Everything I do in this land is based on my truths.
I am strong.
I am Godly.
I am beautiful.
I am enough.
I am great.
"My" reality is freeing...its beautiful. I spend my days lingering in the essence of my truths. I spend my nights waiting to wake up to my mind...and the things I believe. Life is sweet and protected. I thought my reality...which in turn is really my fantasy was enough to keep me going.

But then you hear the words...that made you run to your fantasy land in the first place. And for some reason everything you had convinced yourself of you now know is just "your world..and not real at all". Because in the real reality...you are not strong...you are not beautiful...and you will never be enough. You will always be a trigger and held to a very scary position. You will always get hurt...Each time you hear the words..each time you feel the emotions...and every time a piece of your heart falls. And you have to step back and renter your fantasy world. Where you only exist...but you never have to experience "that" again.

So..fantasy or reality. A world of fantasy that you are completely in control of. That you decide what you experience...and turn your back to the pain. Or reality...where you pray each day that this is the day where you become numb and never have to feel this again...where the unexpected happens...where pain can exist.

Two worlds but one life. Fantasy or reality?

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Regrets..what's the point??

These days my thoughts aren't very intense or even super emotional. And I really appreciate that. I am enjoying this current stage of myself without all the questions. Which is why I came to Alabama in the first place, to release anxiety..to walk into a new experience..and to just be again.

When I was 16 years old a good friend of mine who I had grown up with, died of a drug overdose. This was one of the most confusing days of my life. I didn't understand the reality of what just happened. I had just become a new believer and I thought my life was about to become perfect. Everything was going to fall into place...life was going to be nothing but pure bliss.

So when he unexpectedly died...I was shook to my very core. Up until this point I had never experienced such pain and heartbreak. I didn't even think this kind of pain existed. But the hardest part for me to swallow, was the fact that I never shared my new found joy with him. Not only was I going through grief for my friend..but I was so disappointed in myself. Like I was worth nothing,because I was a coward, because I feared his reaction. Even to this day, I get down on myself for how it all went down.

On the day of his funeral I swore to myself that I would live a life of no regrets. That I would fight for all that I believed in...that I would say the things my heart felt, beyond people's reactions...that I would always choose love...and that I would always be true to myself.

Living a life with no regrets is not easy. Its extremely vulnerable, lonely, and sometimes hurtful. But the beauty and joy that you experience when at the end of the day..you know without a shadow of a doubt that you did all that you could...that feeling..that experience is priceless. That's exactly what I'm experience right now. As I am about to leave Alabama in just a few weeks, I ask myself did I do everything I know how to do? Did I allow God to reign over my situation...was I true to my words and beliefs?

And to be able to answer "YES"...there is no feeling like this. There is not a greater reward. For God to confirm that you stood in the mist of opposition when you feared getting hurt..that I made myself so authentic and so open...
And for God to reach down and say to me.."You are good..and faithful. And your love has no limits...you love with everything in you..Just how I love"

WOW!! It's bitter sweet. Because even though you do all you can do, it still has another side to it. You can hope and want others to respond like you or actually better..but you have to be able to do it without expecting specific reactions. I live my life with no regrets..because at the end of the day I don't want acceptance from you...from him...from her..from anyone...I want God to reward me. I want God to look at me and be proud of me...I want to be faithful to what he says.

You have to be prepared for all the obstacles...for all the different reactions...and for the loneliness...
And as hard as it definitely is right now...I am proud. I am stronger than ever. More beautiful than ever. And closer to God than I have ever been.

So today like everyday I choose to love..I choose God..and I choose a life that I can be proud of...with absolutely no regrets.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

My Random Thoughts...

This is what is going through my mind lately..it doesn't have a purpose or even make sense. My mind is every where these days...

1. I really really believe Alabama will kick Florida's butt in SEC Championship
2. No matter how lost I am, God is always right next to me through it all.
3. I can not function without coffee. It's actually really sad.
4. My heart has been broken twice in the last month, that doesn't excite me for the future.
5. My sister is my world, and I adore her. We may not always get along or agree, but I would do anything for her.
6. Music leads me to the most unknown place in my spirit. It guides me to my emotions, and eventually to myself.
7. Will the church ever be a place that everyone will call home?
8. I feel so protected and safe in Alabama. Like I'm invisible and nothing can touch me.
9. I am way more of an introvert than I thought. Spending time by myself is one of my favorites.
10. Anyone has the power to hurt you. Be very cautious who you give your heart to.
11. I want to do one thing every day that scares me.
12. College was the most stable part of my life. It was consistent and beautiful and I should have enjoyed it more.
13. Amanda and Christine are my insides. They are heart. They are everything to me.
14. Thank God for painting and poetry! It is what cultivates my spirit to be honest with yourself.
15. Being the bigger person usually leads to vulnerability and then hurt from another person.
16. I think I have really given up on love. It hurts to say that, but I don't think my heart can take any more, maybe its just not for me.
17. I'm curious to see how our society will change after Obama gets into office.
18. I need more humor in my life. I need to laugh more.
19. I need people in my life. I need my friends, and family; because I can't do this on my own..and I don't even want to try.
20. A beer at the end of the day always makes me feel so much better.
21. I am terrified that I have lost the love of my life.
22. I am always scared that I am out of God's will...and I need to do some serious work on that.
23. I will always be different. I will always fight for justice and love. And that's not really cool all the time..and I have to be okay with that. I have to be okay with not being respected and loved for what I want to do with my life...just love.
24. I miss. I miss all the time. There is always someone or something that I miss.
25. At the end of the day I love myself. I am so thankful that God gave me the desire to fight, to want more, and to live the best I possibly can.

This is life. With all its random thoughts. These are the thoughts that we don't pay attention too..however be careful, because these could be the thoughts that lead you closer to yourself. Keep an eye out for these random thoughts..who knows what great things they could lead to. Think more. Let yourself go there, it could be the most beautiful place you've ever been. Authentic and genuine...You.

Monday, November 10, 2008

I think I was wrong about mistakes...

So today is one of those days where God is speaking constantly..not a moment has passed..not a breathe taken..not a thought has crossed where God has not spoken today.So I am sorry that I am all over the place. Forgive me :)

Fear is the cornerstone of my strength.
I choose stillness because I fear moving in the wrong direction.
I choose happiness because I fear not being able to handle loneliness.
I choose to be the bigger person in situations because I fear others feeling hurt.
I choose to love only when I'm loved back because I fear pain.

I feel empowered when I don't make mistakes...when I don't give myself the chance to fail I feel strong. Because I rather not choose at all then to miss the "right".
As much as I preach about risks my life is safe.
When it comes to love..I am safe. Even though this is the one thing I have convinced myself that I fight for.

This is the deal. My love has nothing to do with someone else's reaction.
If God were to say I will only love you, when you love me back..then everything I believe in as a Christ-follower is a lie.
God gave his life for all. Whether they loved him or not. Whether they respected him or not. Whether he was there #1 in their life..or not.

So who are we to say that the moment we feel rejected or are fearful of someones love..we throw that love out the window. Like it was nonexistent.

This love that I am talking about is the love you give..
your family
your enemy
your co-worker
your partner

Because if we are honest with ourselves its not just our lovers that can hurt us..its the world.
And when things aren't going our way, we back off...
where did that love go? Can we only truly love those who love us back..I hope not because that's a lonely life, that I'm not willing to explore.
And we..we are called to greatness. We are called to unconditionally love others with everything in our being.

Friends...I will love you when you hate me. I will love you if you reject me. I will love you always.
If you wrong me I will give you my other check and forgive.
And if you need it I will give you my life.

Love is the greatest risk of all time..you can loose your heart, your life, and yourself.
But with great risk comes great rewards and great joy.

So today my dear friends
Choose Love

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

When the heart goes pitter patter

Lately I have been thinking a lot about love. The most beautiful..exciting..scary thing God ever created.

I have been wondering where people have I missed it...what are they lacking when it comes to the past loves' of their life. I think I have figured it out...the pitter patter.

The pitter patter...when the heart actually skips a beat..when there are butterflies in the stomach every time you see your love. During the hard times...the sad times...and the broken times...the pitter patter helps in keeping the happiness alive. Its the moment you look forward to everyday...the moment you can't wait to wake up to...and its the moment that makes it hard to sleep because you don't want to miss a second of it.

The pitter patter...is beautiful. It's exciting, and adventurous..and at the same time scary. But its worth the fear because that emotion...that feeling..is like a drug. And the second you taste it, you never want to put it down. Even if that moment never returns again, you'll always live remembering what that felt like, and hoping that one day it will return.

The journey back to the pitter patter makes life a treasure hunt, that even though you move forward with your life, you still keep one eye open...just in case. Always being ready for that moment to meet it again. This hunt is what keeps you hoping for true love. A love so pure that the pitter patter is ever consuming...and constantly remarkable.

I have met people who experience the pitter patter even though it does not exist for their love. This is the tricky thing. In order for true love to survive the pitter patter has to exist for both people.

So my dear friends...move forward to the adventure...seek your love...and experience the beauty God designed...the pitter patter...

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Open your eyes boy...I made it through the night

Open your eyes I am here. I am here to love, and experience with you.

Open your eyes I am full of pain. Pain that has stretched and pierced through my heart.

Open your eyes I need you. While I have never needed anyone as much as I need you now.

Open your eyes or I may be gone the day you decide to look at me.

Beyond all fear...all pain..and uncertainty...open your eyes.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

I feel like hitting someone with a baseball bat.

Today I am angry...very angry with Jesus. I feel like he has completely left me...and I feel alone. Seriously Jesus, why didn't you step in after realizing I was making so many mistakes.

Where were you God? Why didn't you protect me...guide me...why didn't you show up?

I am pist and am wondering if I will ever want to be in love again. I am starting to realize this may not be worth it after all.

After all the fighting...searching...risks...heartache...maybe I am not cut out for the one thing I have centered my life around.

Maybe I was wrong about love.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I'm not doing too bad after all...

I give myself so much crap for not always being on my "A' game, or not being "good" enough...which I know is bad in itself. But these days, I don't think I am doing too bad, I am actually pretty proud of myself.

This summer I have learned the strength base approach to counseling my clients. I am now considering using this approach in my own life and when I do, I don't look at my life with the same lenses I do from day to day.

When I use the strength base approach I think...

1). It's a great thing that I am looking inward to figure out what I really want for my life. Most people are too scared to really ask themselves the "hard" questions.

2). I am so glad that I am not settling for only what is easy for me.

3). I think that its awesome that I have been able to keep my heart focused on my dreams, and that they have never swayed or really changed. At the end of the day, Love is still at the core of everything I want to do.

4). I think its great that I still have a passion for life. Even after all the damn bumps in the road, I still want to live life to its fullest (as cheesey as that sounds). Nothing has brought me down too far down. I love life!! I really do, and I want my life to be full of joy, adventure, and most importantly love.

5). I am constantly changing and I love that. I am never willing to settle with myself, I always want to be the best (maybe too much). I want to be the woman God has created me to be, so that means that I won't ever be "okay". That I need to be constantly growing and I'm so glad that I am aware of that!

The strength base approach is difficult, especially when things aren't great. But its extremely necessary! It's great to want to conquer the weaknesses, but its crucial to also acknowledge the great accomplishments!

These are the great moments that create endurance. Strength will only get you in the race, but endurance will make you the winner.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Crossroads...what a bitch, Jesus.

Why am always at a crossroad in my life? Why can't God just ever tell me what to do? There is always some big question to answer...some foundational belief that needs to be figured out...something deep to ponder.

This sucks. For once I would like an easy choice or maybe even God telling me the right thing to do.

Why so many desicions Jesus? If I choose wrongly I could totally fall away from your plan. If my heart is to follow you, and I make a mistake, am I away from you Lord.

Why not stop the back and forth before it even begins...and you just tell me what to do. Please Jesus, you know my heart is to follow you. This one time, can you make it easy on me.

I ask for peace father. Let your will be done in my life.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

I don't need much.

All I need is peace, and love.

That's it. I don't think that I am asking for too much.

A peace that surpasses all understanding. That even in the storm I know I am in God's will, because there is a peace like no other. That I walk so sure of the things I know and believe in.

Peace, Jesus.

Now Love...that's the tricky one. I want a love so real, that it never sways. A love so sure that I leap forward with no questions asked. A love so reckless that I ultimately become myself.

Love, Lord.

At the center of who I am, I can not and will not live a life without peace and love.

Friday, October 10, 2008

How stable are rocks anyway?

From time to time you will hear people say, "stable like a rock", or "rock solid". I usually hate these people who say this.

I never have anything in my life that is "rock solid", but actually can be? And I say this not including my relationship with Jesus. Because that's the only constant in my life, at all times. But everything else always seems to have the possibility to be swayed.

My identity...my belief system (somewhat)...my dreams...my love...yup at one time or another these things were once challenged or swayed. But here is the kicker.

If they sway, does that mean they aren't real..or absolute truths. How can I believe in love one day, and the next week everything is turned upside down. Now, usually its love that I always am constantly swaying in. Why? Can real, genuine love ever be swayed. Challenged...yes, but swayed away from a completely different sets of view points.

These questions only leave me feeling that as much as I think I love, its not it. And no matter how much I force it, I will always be swaying. But I am starting to believe that I can do that life. The life that sways from love back and forth. I can do that because really I have no other choice.

That's the thing about rocks, they can easily be put in a tough place. So this concept of rock solid...can it exist in love? I believe it can, I just don't believe I am that lucky to live it.

Which makes me sad. Because others seem so sure in the department of "love" and I'm just not. But in actuality am I really sure about many things in my life? Can this just be another battle I live with and fight through because well I'm kind of stuck.

You see my rock was put in a hard place a long time ago. I'm stuck and for some reason can not move. And I have learned to be okay with it. Maybe one day someone will kick me out of the way..or the other rocks around me will find a way out (which in return makes it easier for me to move)..or maybe I will just stay exactly where I am until the next time I ponder a different way of life.

What I desire is to be so sure that I can one day be those people I hate that are "solid like a rock" without ever swaying and always knowing, that their love..

is real love.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

The Power of Miss Destiny

The theory that everything happens for a reason has been shared through what I can only imagine...to be decades. It's almost like we have used it for our own personal gain or even fix to our mistakes. If we fail to show up for a friend, we tell ourselves..."guess it was meant to be this way"
If we forget a very important occasion, again we tell ourselves "then it wasn't meant to be".
Can we do this? Can we label every opportunity that we have missed, with this one phrase. Maybe it was meant to be, but we just screwed up.
Destiny is what has already been created before our existence. The pre-lined experiences that we were created to be a part of. What about if we miss them? Do these "predestined" moments affect us..affect our character..our inner most being. And once we miss these moments, do we miss the change..the greatness they would have brought?

If destiny exist and we miss her..do we ultimately miss the chance of becoming our true self. I feel like I have missed "Miss Destiny" quite a few times in life. I know I have missed out on great opportunities because I chose to stand her up. All dressed up, and waiting on me. Nothing difficult about it. Nothing pressuring about about. I just needed to pick her up, and choose her over my fears..my selfishness..and my loneliness.

What we do today ultimately changes and affects who we are tomorrow. So dear friends..I beg you to show up in the face of fear, and grab a hold of your destiny. For she is waiting on you, she is waiting on all of us. And the possible moment of fear that you would experience when you choose destiny, is nothing compared to the regret of letting her wait and pass you by.

For this is the beauty of life. You may not get second chance.
So live today as though its your last too...
and Live Life.

Choose Your Destiny Today.

Friday, August 1, 2008

We are constantly going..going..never slowing down. Not a minute to waste. Even walking or driving from one destination to another..we make unnecessary phone calls..or put on our favorite music. No moment of silence. No practicing of peace. So many noises, so many distractions, and we wonder why we can't hear the screams of young children. Or see the cries of a broken nation. Always busy not a moment to waste or even a moment to notice. Do we fear silence, do we fear noticing the pain...because then..it becomes a reality. A reality so true that we can not distract our minds from it. So why dear friends...why the unnecessary calls...why the extra noises...why not choose silence today...

And you might be amazed of the "noises" you can hear.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Surprises of the heart

It's scary to know that at any moment your perception of things can be changed or altered.

After hearing a story your opinion of someone can change....

After an argument your point of view can change...

Perception...trust...belief...Without a moments notice nothing is concrete (except Jesus of course)

Even when someone steps into or out of your life your view can be shook to its very core

How is that possible? How can you whole heartily believe and know something to be true and by the act of "a simple thing" everything can be changed.
Something so simple as to a scent, a conversation, or even a picture.
These things can fool your mind to believe something that you know in your heart not to be true.
Like love...

How can thoughts appear one day, and I believe one thing, and then the next day when those same thoughts reappear..I conclude a different belief.

That doesn't make sense to me. Are my beliefs so unstable that I allow them to be altered with these "simple acts". Or am I missing something here. Am I missing love...real love. Combined with Truth and all of its beauty.
Have I still not gotten it? Have I still not found it?

Can true love really be shaken, and if it is...is it then true love at all.

Why is the only emotion or concept I can not define... "Love"?
The questions, the fear of missing it...the one thing I've been searching for my whole life...is the one thing I have no answers too.

Why do I have all the questions and no answers?

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Despite you...

Today I see beauty, peace, and happiness despite the injustice of this world.

Today I am excited about my future, my thoughts and my dreams despite my past.

Today I have joy, expressions, and Starbucks despite the misunderstanding others may have of me.

With a passion that others long for, and the love that I crave....

Today I am...


Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Anger...friend or foe?

Anger is such an unusual emotion. Throughout my childhood no one ever discussed this “intolerable inappropriate” feeling called ANGER…1st why didn’t anyone ever tell me about it, and secondly why was it the forbidden emotion.

The odd thing is that these days the only emotion I can actually identify is anger. And to be honest the only emotion I want to feel is anger.

Ironic because society tells us that this very emotion has lead to histories greatest destructions. I think I beg to differ. I am angry. I am hurt and lonely; however I feel empowered and motivated. I’ve had the most creative ideas and thoughts while I have allowed myself to just “sulk” and “be” in this emotional state. Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t encourage everyone to allow themselves to go there, or even to allow themselves to stay there for very long. But I have seemed to find a sense of peace in this chaotic state of mind.

I think sometimes it takes anger or being extremely offended to make a brave change. I am hugely offended and pist off..yet its my most authentic time of change. My thoughts are changing, my actions are changing…I’m changing. I had to get to a point of disgust and pure rage…to FINALLY NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. So maybe my motives are unwise, but as long as great change arises do the motives really matter. Will it take a bad motive today, to motivate powerful change for tomorrow?

I don’t think I have ever been this angry or hurt, but at the same time I don’t think I have had such a huge desire to really at my core, CHANGE! So I have to assume that sometimes the two go hand in hand.

I feel in my spirit there is a unusual up roar, where I have had enough and now “myself” has positioned itself first. Only my emotions matter, only I matter. And as I can see that this may seem as unnecessary selfishness… if you know me at all you would agree it’s actually the opposite. When have I ever positioned myself first, and not worried about other people’s lives and choices. Never, and I know..I know..it was my choice…but today I will not do that. I feel betrayed…and used…and like I've something taken from me. No I am not doing a pity party here, as a victim…what I’m saying is that I made my decisions, no one has twisted my arm..And it's all fine, because you don’t make decisions based on the reaction you want others to make, but now this is my new decision…me. I am taking back what I once gave away too soon. Myself.

I choose me..

Because I'm in charge of my own happiness… And to be honest no one is going to appreciate me, take care of me and …just love me...better than me (and of course Jesus)

So today I'm angry...and I'm okay with that
(at least for today)

Friday, March 7, 2008

The Road to Surrender

The Road to Surrender

As the sun went down and the wind calms for the night arose my spirit, full of furry and anger. Angered at self…love… and him.

“God” I screamed “where are you, show your face in my desperation”.

In the midst of my tears and confusion a silent whisper came “I’m here”, I’m always here”.

I replied: “God sit with me, help me. Let me scream my hurt in your presence. Let me show you the anger in my heart that flows out my eyes. Let me cry the tears that no one else wants to see.

“Yes, my daughter”, he replied. “My precious, broken child, I am here”

“God why does my hurt mean nothing in this physical arena…. My words mean nothing… but yet his are taken with hope.
His actions mean nothing…but mine are expected to prove you in my life. I’m expected to forgive as quickly as the sin rolls off his hand.

Crowds follow him with compassion, so much that none is left over for me. Is this pain even real…? I ask myself constantly. Questions...confusion...and pain run thick through my blood. Each day my blood gets darker and darker as I hear his words and remember his replacement of me.

How do you forgive Jesus? I demand you to tell me. How do I let go the pain of a stranger entering in the most intimate….private gathering of our love... while I’m unknowing dreaming in another room. How do I get back the things that have been taken from me? How…do I trust the man full of lies? A man so quick to forget me in his thoughts, and now he demands actions from me.
Tell me…Tell me God! Please Jesus tell me the words I want to hear, not the words of others and not the ones you have commanded. For I do not have the strength…”

Oh…child. Rest. Rest for you are hurting. The words may have come from his mouth, but they are my heart. I am asking you to trust me. To commit to me, and the things I have for you. These things must take place in order to complete your purpose, so I can fully bring you into my presence…my courts. Do not focus your energy and mind on him, and what he says. He was merely an avenue to get the words spoken into your life.
Hear me child, for you are my daughter, and are created for greatness. I say these things to you, because you are strong, because you do have a mighty purpose, that I have given you. Are you questioning the job I have done in creating your purpose?

I respond in shame: No God, never... but I have nothing left to offer you.

With his sweet presence he slowly spoke: “I demand nothing but your commitment, and desire to allow me to be the only God in your life. Breathe in these words I ask you. Let crowds follow him, for you are not seeking that, you are seeking me.
You are hurting, I hear your cries. You feel betrayed, and unloved. My disciple, you are feeling your purpose. What great strength and conviction will you speak of this in the future? Allow me to move in your life without knowing why.
Surrender! Give me the faith to be Lord in your life.

For even though you feel these emotions, know that I am here to take them away and speak truth in your life. Trust me. Do right, and keep your eyes on me.
For I am God and I have spoken.”

“Lord Jesus. My strong father. I don’t trust him I don’t even trust myself. But I trust you. I give my commitments to you… my desires…my heart…my everything. For you never leave me, and always treasure me. I praise you God.
With my eyes closed shut,
I choose to follow you.”

No time was wasted after those last words, that instantly my heart felt the first moment of peace.

With my last breathe of the night, before morning came, I woke to realize my wrestle with God was merely a dream.

A dream so real that I knew to be true.
But most importantly a commitment to him that I knew to be forever…
Enduring all things.