Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I wish...

I sometimes think I would love to be another person. And I know this isn't right or even good for me...but I'm just being honest.

I wish I could forget about all the pain people have caused me.
I wish I could instantly replace people...I wish I could forget about you for one second, and put someone in your place...
That I could fantasise...that I could dream...that I could want...someone else.
I wish I could turn my back on you.
I sometimes even wish that I could cause you the same amount of pain that you have caused me.
I just wish I was different...maybe I wouldn't even be in this position and if I were just not me.

But I'm not...I'm just me. And as much as I sometimes like to wish that I were someone else...I know why I am the way I am. But don't get me wrong how I would love to throw putirty...intergirty..and loyalty out the window. So even though I know I can never actually do that...I like to at least wish sometimes..

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Fantasy -vs- Reality

In my dream I live. I live the life I always wanted. I wake up to sunshine and I believe my truth. Everything I do in this land is based on my truths.
I am strong.
I am Godly.
I am beautiful.
I am enough.
I am great.
"My" reality is freeing...its beautiful. I spend my days lingering in the essence of my truths. I spend my nights waiting to wake up to my mind...and the things I believe. Life is sweet and protected. I thought my reality...which in turn is really my fantasy was enough to keep me going.

But then you hear the words...that made you run to your fantasy land in the first place. And for some reason everything you had convinced yourself of you now know is just "your world..and not real at all". Because in the real reality...you are not strong...you are not beautiful...and you will never be enough. You will always be a trigger and held to a very scary position. You will always get hurt...Each time you hear the words..each time you feel the emotions...and every time a piece of your heart falls. And you have to step back and renter your fantasy world. Where you only exist...but you never have to experience "that" again.

So..fantasy or reality. A world of fantasy that you are completely in control of. That you decide what you experience...and turn your back to the pain. Or reality...where you pray each day that this is the day where you become numb and never have to feel this again...where the unexpected happens...where pain can exist.

Two worlds but one life. Fantasy or reality?

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Regrets..what's the point??

These days my thoughts aren't very intense or even super emotional. And I really appreciate that. I am enjoying this current stage of myself without all the questions. Which is why I came to Alabama in the first place, to release anxiety..to walk into a new experience..and to just be again.

When I was 16 years old a good friend of mine who I had grown up with, died of a drug overdose. This was one of the most confusing days of my life. I didn't understand the reality of what just happened. I had just become a new believer and I thought my life was about to become perfect. Everything was going to fall into place...life was going to be nothing but pure bliss.

So when he unexpectedly died...I was shook to my very core. Up until this point I had never experienced such pain and heartbreak. I didn't even think this kind of pain existed. But the hardest part for me to swallow, was the fact that I never shared my new found joy with him. Not only was I going through grief for my friend..but I was so disappointed in myself. Like I was worth nothing,because I was a coward, because I feared his reaction. Even to this day, I get down on myself for how it all went down.

On the day of his funeral I swore to myself that I would live a life of no regrets. That I would fight for all that I believed in...that I would say the things my heart felt, beyond people's reactions...that I would always choose love...and that I would always be true to myself.

Living a life with no regrets is not easy. Its extremely vulnerable, lonely, and sometimes hurtful. But the beauty and joy that you experience when at the end of the day..you know without a shadow of a doubt that you did all that you could...that feeling..that experience is priceless. That's exactly what I'm experience right now. As I am about to leave Alabama in just a few weeks, I ask myself did I do everything I know how to do? Did I allow God to reign over my situation...was I true to my words and beliefs?

And to be able to answer "YES"...there is no feeling like this. There is not a greater reward. For God to confirm that you stood in the mist of opposition when you feared getting hurt..that I made myself so authentic and so open...
And for God to reach down and say to me.."You are good..and faithful. And your love has no limits...you love with everything in you..Just how I love"

WOW!! It's bitter sweet. Because even though you do all you can do, it still has another side to it. You can hope and want others to respond like you or actually better..but you have to be able to do it without expecting specific reactions. I live my life with no regrets..because at the end of the day I don't want acceptance from you...from him...from her..from anyone...I want God to reward me. I want God to look at me and be proud of me...I want to be faithful to what he says.

You have to be prepared for all the obstacles...for all the different reactions...and for the loneliness...
And as hard as it definitely is right now...I am proud. I am stronger than ever. More beautiful than ever. And closer to God than I have ever been.

So today like everyday I choose to love..I choose God..and I choose a life that I can be proud of...with absolutely no regrets.