Sunday, October 19, 2008

I feel like hitting someone with a baseball bat.

Today I am angry...very angry with Jesus. I feel like he has completely left me...and I feel alone. Seriously Jesus, why didn't you step in after realizing I was making so many mistakes.

Where were you God? Why didn't you protect me...why didn't you show up?

I am pist and am wondering if I will ever want to be in love again. I am starting to realize this may not be worth it after all.

After all the fighting...searching...risks...heartache...maybe I am not cut out for the one thing I have centered my life around.

Maybe I was wrong about love.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I'm not doing too bad after all...

I give myself so much crap for not always being on my "A' game, or not being "good" enough...which I know is bad in itself. But these days, I don't think I am doing too bad, I am actually pretty proud of myself.

This summer I have learned the strength base approach to counseling my clients. I am now considering using this approach in my own life and when I do, I don't look at my life with the same lenses I do from day to day.

When I use the strength base approach I think...

1). It's a great thing that I am looking inward to figure out what I really want for my life. Most people are too scared to really ask themselves the "hard" questions.

2). I am so glad that I am not settling for only what is easy for me.

3). I think that its awesome that I have been able to keep my heart focused on my dreams, and that they have never swayed or really changed. At the end of the day, Love is still at the core of everything I want to do.

4). I think its great that I still have a passion for life. Even after all the damn bumps in the road, I still want to live life to its fullest (as cheesey as that sounds). Nothing has brought me down too far down. I love life!! I really do, and I want my life to be full of joy, adventure, and most importantly love.

5). I am constantly changing and I love that. I am never willing to settle with myself, I always want to be the best (maybe too much). I want to be the woman God has created me to be, so that means that I won't ever be "okay". That I need to be constantly growing and I'm so glad that I am aware of that!

The strength base approach is difficult, especially when things aren't great. But its extremely necessary! It's great to want to conquer the weaknesses, but its crucial to also acknowledge the great accomplishments!

These are the great moments that create endurance. Strength will only get you in the race, but endurance will make you the winner.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Crossroads...what a bitch, Jesus.

Why am always at a crossroad in my life? Why can't God just ever tell me what to do? There is always some big question to answer...some foundational belief that needs to be figured out...something deep to ponder.

This sucks. For once I would like an easy choice or maybe even God telling me the right thing to do.

Why so many desicions Jesus? If I choose wrongly I could totally fall away from your plan. If my heart is to follow you, and I make a mistake, am I away from you Lord.

Why not stop the back and forth before it even begins...and you just tell me what to do. Please Jesus, you know my heart is to follow you. This one time, can you make it easy on me.

I ask for peace father. Let your will be done in my life.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

I don't need much.

All I need is peace, and love.

That's it. I don't think that I am asking for too much.

A peace that surpasses all understanding. That even in the storm I know I am in God's will, because there is a peace like no other. That I walk so sure of the things I know and believe in.

Peace, Jesus.

Now Love...that's the tricky one. I want a love so real, that it never sways. A love so sure that I leap forward with no questions asked. A love so reckless that I ultimately become myself.

Love, Lord.

At the center of who I am, I can not and will not live a life without peace and love.

Friday, October 10, 2008

How stable are rocks anyway?

From time to time you will hear people say, "stable like a rock", or "rock solid". I usually hate these people who say this.

I never have anything in my life that is "rock solid", but actually can be? And I say this not including my relationship with Jesus. Because that's the only constant in my life, at all times. But everything else always seems to have the possibility to be swayed.

My belief system (somewhat) love...yup at one time or another these things were once challenged or swayed. But here is the kicker.

If they sway, does that mean they aren't real..or absolute truths. How can I believe in love one day, and the next week everything is turned upside down. Now, usually its love that I always am constantly swaying in. Why? Can real, genuine love ever be swayed. Challenged...yes, but swayed away from a completely different sets of view points.

These questions only leave me feeling that as much as I think I love, its not it. And no matter how much I force it, I will always be swaying. But I am starting to believe that I can do that life. The life that sways from love back and forth. I can do that because really I have no other choice.

That's the thing about rocks, they can easily be put in a tough place. So this concept of rock solid...can it exist in love? I believe it can, I just don't believe I am that lucky to live it.

Which makes me sad. Because others seem so sure in the department of "love" and I'm just not. But in actuality am I really sure about many things in my life? Can this just be another battle I live with and fight through because well I'm kind of stuck.

You see my rock was put in a hard place a long time ago. I'm stuck and for some reason can not move. And I have learned to be okay with it. Maybe one day someone will kick me out of the way..or the other rocks around me will find a way out (which in return makes it easier for me to move)..or maybe I will just stay exactly where I am until the next time I ponder a different way of life.

What I desire is to be so sure that I can one day be those people I hate that are "solid like a rock" without ever swaying and always knowing, that their love..

is real love.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

The Power of Miss Destiny

The theory that everything happens for a reason has been shared through what I can only be decades. It's almost like we have used it for our own personal gain or even fix to our mistakes. If we fail to show up for a friend, we tell ourselves..."guess it was meant to be this way"
If we forget a very important occasion, again we tell ourselves "then it wasn't meant to be".
Can we do this? Can we label every opportunity that we have missed, with this one phrase. Maybe it was meant to be, but we just screwed up.
Destiny is what has already been created before our existence. The pre-lined experiences that we were created to be a part of. What about if we miss them? Do these "predestined" moments affect us..affect our character..our inner most being. And once we miss these moments, do we miss the change..the greatness they would have brought?

If destiny exist and we miss we ultimately miss the chance of becoming our true self. I feel like I have missed "Miss Destiny" quite a few times in life. I know I have missed out on great opportunities because I chose to stand her up. All dressed up, and waiting on me. Nothing difficult about it. Nothing pressuring about about. I just needed to pick her up, and choose her over my selfishness..and my loneliness.

What we do today ultimately changes and affects who we are tomorrow. So dear friends..I beg you to show up in the face of fear, and grab a hold of your destiny. For she is waiting on you, she is waiting on all of us. And the possible moment of fear that you would experience when you choose destiny, is nothing compared to the regret of letting her wait and pass you by.

For this is the beauty of life. You may not get second chance.
So live today as though its your last too...
and Live Life.

Choose Your Destiny Today.