Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Anger...friend or foe?

Anger is such an unusual emotion. Throughout my childhood no one ever discussed this “intolerable inappropriate” feeling called ANGER…1st why didn’t anyone ever tell me about it, and secondly why was it the forbidden emotion.

The odd thing is that these days the only emotion I can actually identify is anger. And to be honest the only emotion I want to feel is anger.

Ironic because society tells us that this very emotion has lead to histories greatest destructions. I think I beg to differ. I am angry. I am hurt and lonely; however I feel empowered and motivated. I’ve had the most creative ideas and thoughts while I have allowed myself to just “sulk” and “be” in this emotional state. Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t encourage everyone to allow themselves to go there, or even to allow themselves to stay there for very long. But I have seemed to find a sense of peace in this chaotic state of mind.

I think sometimes it takes anger or being extremely offended to make a brave change. I am hugely offended and pist off..yet its my most authentic time of change. My thoughts are changing, my actions are changing…I’m changing. I had to get to a point of disgust and pure rage…to FINALLY NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE. So maybe my motives are unwise, but as long as great change arises do the motives really matter. Will it take a bad motive today, to motivate powerful change for tomorrow?

I don’t think I have ever been this angry or hurt, but at the same time I don’t think I have had such a huge desire to really at my core, CHANGE! So I have to assume that sometimes the two go hand in hand.

I feel in my spirit there is a unusual up roar, where I have had enough and now “myself” has positioned itself first. Only my emotions matter, only I matter. And as I can see that this may seem as unnecessary selfishness… if you know me at all you would agree it’s actually the opposite. When have I ever positioned myself first, and not worried about other people’s lives and choices. Never, and I know..I was my choice…but today I will not do that. I feel betrayed…and used…and like I've something taken from me. No I am not doing a pity party here, as a victim…what I’m saying is that I made my decisions, no one has twisted my arm..And it's all fine, because you don’t make decisions based on the reaction you want others to make, but now this is my new decision…me. I am taking back what I once gave away too soon. Myself.

I choose me..

Because I'm in charge of my own happiness… And to be honest no one is going to appreciate me, take care of me and …just love me...better than me (and of course Jesus)

So today I'm angry...and I'm okay with that
(at least for today)


Trolley said...

What strikes me with warmth is your genuine and somehow desired feeling. I am not sure why you feel hurt or lonely, but your creative "sulk" and "being" seems to mark a mile stone in your life. You find peace in your chaos; you are in the eye of the tornado, and you find yourself liking it.

I imagine that I know you, however to a small extent. So when you describe yourself as unselfish I look back and soon determine that you're more than right. Time to be selfish. Obviously there are different ways of being selfish; the selfishness you're thriving towards is enriching and healthy.

Something has happened and your urge for change leaves me feeling nothing but sympathetic; GO FOR IT! You have opened the door...all you have to do is walk through it. Let the tornado lift you up and away, embrace you and send you to a new "journey to self"...

My spontaneous reaction might seem radical, however I translate your expressions through myself. You dont translate facts, you translate a feeling.
I am happy for you as it doesn't matter to what extent you implement change in your life; you have still grown and developed, reflected and carried on...

Please take care of yourself // Trolley

ckvazquez said... I know you. I hope I do. You write so beautifully. Such a poetic tone and words filled with enrichment...thank you for I am inspired.

trolley said...

Today you see beauty, despite the misunderstanding others may have of you...

I hope that I am not misunderstanding you.

I am happy if I inspired you, but I am the one who should be grateful.

And I hope that you remember me, however I am not sure you do.

But how many other have you given the nickname "trolley"?

ckvazquez said...

So I was just going through my blogs and saw these comments from you. I have only known someone named "Trolley" but I just didn't believe it was you since I didn't know how you would have found my blog. Also, because you weren't talking to me during that time. Man, we've got some history, lol.