These days my thoughts aren't very intense or even super emotional. And I really appreciate that. I am enjoying this current stage of myself without all the questions. Which is why I came to Alabama in the first place, to release anxiety..to walk into a new experience..and to just be again.
When I was 16 years old a good friend of mine who I had grown up with, died of a drug overdose. This was one of the most confusing days of my life. I didn't understand the reality of what just happened. I had just become a new believer and I thought my life was about to become perfect. Everything was going to fall into place...life was going to be nothing but pure bliss.
So when he unexpectedly died...I was shook to my very core. Up until this point I had never experienced such pain and heartbreak. I didn't even think this kind of pain existed. But the hardest part for me to swallow, was the fact that I never shared my new found joy with him. Not only was I going through grief for my friend..but I was so disappointed in myself. Like I was worth nothing,because I was a coward, because I feared his reaction. Even to this day, I get down on myself for how it all went down.
On the day of his funeral I swore to myself that I would live a life of no regrets. That I would fight for all that I believed in...that I would say the things my heart felt, beyond people's reactions...that I would always choose love...and that I would always be true to myself.
Living a life with no regrets is not easy. Its extremely vulnerable, lonely, and sometimes hurtful. But the beauty and joy that you experience when at the end of the day..you know without a shadow of a doubt that you did all that you could...that feeling..that experience is priceless. That's exactly what I'm experience right now. As I am about to leave Alabama in just a few weeks, I ask myself did I do everything I know how to do? Did I allow God to reign over my situation...was I true to my words and beliefs?
And to be able to answer "YES"...there is no feeling like this. There is not a greater reward. For God to confirm that you stood in the mist of opposition when you feared getting hurt..that I made myself so authentic and so open...
And for God to reach down and say to me.."You are good..and faithful. And your love has no limits...you love with everything in you..Just how I love"
WOW!! It's bitter sweet. Because even though you do all you can do, it still has another side to it. You can hope and want others to respond like you or actually better..but you have to be able to do it without expecting specific reactions. I live my life with no regrets..because at the end of the day I don't want acceptance from you...from him...from her..from anyone...I want God to reward me. I want God to look at me and be proud of me...I want to be faithful to what he says.
You have to be prepared for all the obstacles...for all the different reactions...and for the loneliness...
And as hard as it definitely is right now...I am proud. I am stronger than ever. More beautiful than ever. And closer to God than I have ever been.
So today like everyday I choose to love..I choose God..and I choose a life that I can be proud of...with absolutely no regrets.